I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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