I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
