You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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