I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
This baby is an asshole
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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