Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
