Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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