I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
