I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
