i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
