I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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