Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I did not marry a roomba.
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