i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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