the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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