If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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