When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
