In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
