I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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