Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
