Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
