i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
