I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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