Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
