in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
