I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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