I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
