This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
