while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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