so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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