I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
