3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
