how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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