Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
