My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
