i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
