but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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