pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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