2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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