i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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