Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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