A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
