After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
