you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
