I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize