Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
