alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
