I wish I could punch you in the face.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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