ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
