I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
