Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
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