Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
