Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
