remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
