When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
