He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
