I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
