I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
