People in love make me want to vomit
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
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