She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
