there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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