Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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