Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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